I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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