chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
