i would punch a child for taco bell
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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