Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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