I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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