Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
