get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
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