Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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