You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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