it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
