I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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