Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
