JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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