Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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