I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
