I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize