my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
