I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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