Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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