note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
