i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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