I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
