If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
