Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
