The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
