I am puke
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
