I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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