Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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