Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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