got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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