I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
