after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
