Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize