I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
