Your tits are I can't wait for
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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