i think my tv is drunk
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
