I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
