When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize