spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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