forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
