He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
