Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
