Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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