This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
