he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
