sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
