I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
