Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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