Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
