and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
