She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
