He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize