My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just made my gag reflex go away.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
