You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
