well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
