There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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