best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
