Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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