i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
