Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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