yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
