1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
