oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
