The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize