We won't sleep together?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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