I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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