yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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