The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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