hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
