sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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