you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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