Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
