I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
