I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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