just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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