we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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