my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
