happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
